a little post-holiday humor

Can we talk hilarity for just a moment? I was curious. So I Googled, just a bit this morning, and found this poem.

‘Twas the Day After Christmas

‘Twas the day after Christmas and all through the house
All the family was sleeping, yes, even my spouse.
The stockings were tossed by the chimney with flair
Some turned inside out to make sure nothing’s left there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
Nintendo DSes tucked under their heads
And I in my bathrobe, MacBook on my lap
Was happy to know there were no gifts left to wrap.

When out from the kitchen there rose such a clatter
I sprang from the couch to see what we the matter
I waded my way ‘cross a floor filled with trash
To a kitchen heaped high from our Christmas Eve bash

The sun through the window gave it quite a glow
[(shining brightly, reflecting on a fresh layer of snow)]
It shone on the remains of the Christmas day cheer
The leftover cheese ball, the dregs of the beer
The un-put-away brownies as hard as a fossil
And o’er on the stone, it shone down on the wassail

I blinked as the sun blasted straight into my eye
And just in time glimpsed a brown streak passing by
Four-footed and furry and dragging a ham,
Dodging around me and trying to scram
And as he ran off with a peppermint cluster
I knew in a moment, it was my dog Buster

More rapid than eagles he streaked ‘cross the floor
Buster grabbed what he wanted, and came back from more
More cheesecake, more truffles, more bagels and lox
More chocolate chip cookies, more scotch on the rocks
He smashed and he scrambled, bumped into the wall,
Then dashed away, dashed away, dashed away all

“I should have cleaned up when the guests said good-bye,”
I moaned to myself with a pretty big sigh
After two days of feasting, the kitchen looked grubby
I scrounged in the sink, tried to dig up the scrubby

I searched quite in vain for a halfway clean towel
When out from the living room came quite a howl
I set down the saucepan all caked with goo
The glaze for the ham which had now turned to glue

I skipped to the living room, limber of foot
And inched past the fireplace, dripping with soot
Unraveling ribbons clung fast to my shin
As I looked ‘round the post-Christmas scene with chagrin

A mountain of presents all covered the floor
They looked so appealing when bought at the store
Now gift wrap was ripped and the tissue was crumbled
The new shoes abandoned, the new tank tops rumpled

I picked my way round all the presents caloric,
The baskets of chocolate to make me euphoric
Strange foods so exotic that no one would try it
(And don’t my friends know, New Year’s Day starts the diet?)

And just then I heard from the top of the spruce
The pitiful cry of a dog on the loose
I lifted my eyes from amidst the debris
Old Bust had climbed to the top of the Christmas tree

The angel crashed down as the Christmas tree swayed
The ornaments flew in a sparkly cascade
The puppy leapt on me, I felt his claws rip
And then right behind, the tree started to tip

The lights all exploded as down the tree crashed
The pine needles shredded, the presents were smashed
And I said as I landed on top of the pup
“Happy Christmas to all – Someone else can clean up!”
© Janet Batchler, Quoth the Maven, December 26, 2009

I couldn’t help but laugh as I read through that and while I hope that my home never looks like that after the holidays (I’m too much of a neat-freak to allow it), I can’t say it never will. I hope you enjoyed that as much as I did.

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