everything falls

Held (verb):

To grasp something: to take something firmly and retain it in the hand or arms.

To lift and support something.

From the time I was a child, I’ve been held.

I was four when I first felt Him move, stirring desires with my young heart, for the first time. I recall the temporary, fleeting feeling and can only term it a “Spirit wind”. A gentle whisper. That’s what it felt like… Inhale. Exhale slowly. Feel that? That’s kind of what it felt like, but it was much deeper; a stirring of the soul. It may have been brief, but I know in that moment, I was loved in a way I would never fully comprehend…a love I would never experience in any earthly relationship I was bound to have. In that moment, I was simply held.

I barely remember the gentle whisper touching my soul through Sunday school classes at the church I grew up in. As a young girl, I enjoyed the felt board story displays (remember those?) and I remember being captivated by the stories the teacher taught from the Bible. Although my childlike mind couldn’t comprehend the grandeur of God’s plan interwoven within the fabric of the Bible, I loved those stories. During those days, I was simply held.

The older I got, the more I stood out. Oh, how I wanted to fit in; to belong to one group…something. All through grade, middle and high school, I struggled with that concept. I’ve since learned that there wasn’t anything wrong with me. I was simply set apart for something bigger than I could have ever imagined. During those times, I was simply…held.

Held

when I struggled through a life-threatening illness, thinking I wasn’t going to make it.

Held

when I thought my parents were going to split over a difference of opinion and family image when it came to what school we would attend the rest of our pre-college academic careers.

Held

when I didn’t make the varsity volleyball team my sophomore year of high school.

Held

when promises were broken.

Held

when relationships ceased to work.

Held

when life seems unfair.

I’m sure you’re getting the picture. Now, this may be difficult to imagine for those in my male audience (after all, we all relate to God differently and in our ways), but do me (and yourself) a favor. Simply think about it. Relate, for a moment, if you will.

Life definitely has its ups and downs. I may come across as the type who has it together, 24/7, 365 days a year. But can I tell you a secret? I don’t. I do not always have it on. Most of the time, it would seem, yes, but definitely not always.

I’ve recently discovered that, as is the same with life, relationships also have their highs and lows. God, somehow, by His grace and goodness, brought a wonderful man into my life; a man I would like to call a great friend. And, as with any new relationship, we’re feeling things out, getting to know one another, deciding what it is we’re feeling, what we want, (etc.) and ultimately, what does God want in this? What does He want for us?

It’s hard to think about and it’s equally hard to be patient during this waiting period when one doesn’t know what’s around the next bend on the pathway of life. I’ll be honest in that I’m struggling on a level I’ve never hit  or been on before. This is new. It’s all new. And it’s terrifying, but in a good, and hopefully, healthy way.

One of my friends texted me some scripture from the book of Psalms that they had prayed over my life this morning and I’m humbled. Primarily that in such close-knit relationships, praying for one another is a regular and common thing. Secondly, that he would think of me at all. I don’t deserve it…God knows I don’t, but He offers that mercy; that kindness anyway. Freely.  And, in that moment, I was simply held. Loved. I have been all day.

I cling to you; your strong right hand holds me securely. Psalm 63.8

I don’t know how long it will be before a break comes, or when the sun will rise easing me out of this twilight, or if spring will finally bloom after this brief period of winter. It could be tomorrow. It could be six months from now. It could even be a year from now.

Until then, I’m going to rest in the fact that God has me in the palm of His mighty right hand.

When my world gets dark,

when life isn’t as it seems,

when everything falls apart…

He’s holding me, just as He always has, and that is what keeps me together.

So, let me ask you this: What does that look in your own life? In looking back over your own past struggles, where was God? He may have felt near or far, but He stands where He’s always been: within you; right next to you, holding you in the palm of His mighty right hand.

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